With the holidays here and gone, I had a lot of people reaching out to me and showing their love and support for my life and what I'm going through. Some of those people have been active and present in my life for years, and some of them I haven't actually seen in over a decade. To the incredible people who reached out to me that have only recently become aware through reading this, you are truly kind, and words can not express how touched I was by your messages. To my friends who have stood by me and supported me consistently through these years, your love and support mean the world.
Then, there are the other people. You know the ones... The people who are almost disappointed when you tell them you're great, because there's nothing juicy about being great.
When those people ask me how I'm doing with pity, concern and sadness in their eyes, and I smile and say I'm great, it drives me nuts that they look at me like I just let them down, or I'm lying or protecting them from the awful truth of my sad and pitiful life. My life is neither sad, nor pitiful.
Honestly? I would have really loved that concern and support for the last four years. Actually, I really needed that concern for the last four years. All those times I was smiling through tears... All the times I was too scared to do anything about my situation... The mornings my head was spinning as I was trying to wrap my head around the events of the night before... Or because I truly thought that if I did anything about it I would negatively affect my daughters life in a way I couldn't forgive myself for... Those are the moments I needed concern and support. Those were the times where I really needed someone to look at me and say, "What's going on... Are you O.K?" Instead, those are the moments where 95% of the people I knew pretended they didn't see me crumbling. To those of you who fit in the other 5%, Thank You.
I had someone the other day confront my response when he said "You're always smiling, but really... How are you?" I told him I was really good. He told me that my happiness was a coping mechanism, and that at some point I am going to have to deal with that.
Let me be extremely clear. I am very familiar with coping mechanisms... You don't get through my last 4 years without them. Having said that, I am no longer masking my true feelings for the comfort of others. I am, for the first time in four years, extremely happy.
Now.
Do I have bad days? Absolutely.
Do I get angry? Of course I do.
Do I lose my patience? Don't you?
Do I get sad? My dad died, I had to put down my dog and I'm getting divorced. I think we just discovered that there is such a thing as a stupid question.
But, do those things last or affect my world for long enough to impact how I actually am, as a whole? No. They don't. And that's the truth.
For those of you who don't believe me, or can't understand that, understand a couple things.
1. There are a lot of things in my life that are not perfect.
2. This is not exactly how I pictured my life being at 32.
3. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for four years.
Now, understand these things:
1. Life is not perfect.
2. I am no longer in an abusive relationship. This one, alone, is enough to be truly happy and thankful for.
3. That relationship gave me the most perfect thing in my world, and without him, she wouldn't exist. So to answer the never ending question; No. I don't regret those four years.
4. My divorce does not define me.
Here is my favorite one:
5. My divorce has not ruined my daughters life. In fact, after years of being terrified to take the step for that reason alone, I can say with absolute certainty, that it has improved her life. (blog on this one to follow)
So here's the point...
I understand that it's hard to believe that I'm good... And I really truly appreciate your concern. But unless I smile through tears at you and tell you I'm fine, please read the huge smile on my face and the giddy laughter my baby girl and I are sharing. We are great, because we have each other, life is good and I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's a beautiful thing.
And since its MLK Jr day and all...
