Somewhere over the past 15 years, I became a serial sensorer. I'm not sure when it started to happen, and I could likely only speculate as to how, but I do remember, to the second, the event that sunk it in so deep that it was no longer fleeting. That moment in your life that changes you enough that it changes your path. I'll likely never forget that moment.
I was the kid in high school who always spoke her mind. I was raised to not say anything if I couldn't say something nice, and I still try to live by that, but throughout my childhood that generally meant keeping my mouth shut or being that bitch who had an opinion. There was never a middle ground of speaking up without actually speaking my mind, and I've always loved that about myself.
Somewhere along the way though, that changed and in one single moment, ten years ago, being ripped apart and threatened by someone I loved for sticking up for myself and being 100% me, the sensor sunk so deep that it didn't leave.
In that moment, years of learning that people could react poorly to my speaking my mind and that it could be held against me made an impact. I learned that I may be the only person who believes it isn't mean if it's true. I bought in to the concept that it wasn't always necessary or appropriate to be true to myself because sometimes it was more important to be polite to others. I began to keep my mouth shut and censor my words and opinions because I got tired of fighting. I began to lose my voice.
Here's the thing though, when we lose our voice, we lose ourselves, and the first relationship I ever stopped speaking up in was the first relationship I lost myself in.
That was ten years ago, and when I finally mustered the nerve to leave the relationship it took me a solid year to find myself again. I was young and had allowed my voice to be muted for so long that I actually had to find it again. When I did find it, I swore it would never happen again - and it didn't.
I'm so thankful for that relationship because years later in my marriage, when I began muting myself, I never lost my voice - I simply pocketed it for a while - and when I finally realized that I would be punished in my marriage regardless of if I was myself OR exactly what I was told to be, I pulled that voice right out of my pocket and started to use it again.
That was the first time I realized that being punished for who I was felt much better than being punished for who I wasn't.
I think if I had known that I actually didn't mind being punished for something, as long as I was staying true to myself, I would have stayed true to myself much sooner. Having said that, I don't have any days in my life that I regret, and while my sarcasm on the "33 Year Old Divorced Single Mom" subject sometimes portrays otherwise, I am so exceedingly happy with and thankful for where I am at and what I've learned over the last 6 years.
Now, exactly two years out of my marriage, for the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that sensoring yourself is a waste of everyone's time and, most importantly, it is exhausting!
Some of the most important lessons I've learned over the past few years are:
1. If you don't like the way someone is treating you, you not only have every right to tell them, you have every right to walk away.
2. Standing up for yourself does not make you a bitch, and anyone who thinks it does is likely incapable of self reflection.
3. You are entitled to everything you want in life and people who stand in your way or tell you otherwise don't deserve a seat - just don't expect it to be handed to you.
4. If your true self isn't loved, in every way, by the person you are with, they are not the right person.
5. Wasting your own time, and someone else's, by not being honest about what you want or true to yourself in a relationship, is unfair to everyone.
Be unapologetically honest about who you are and what you want, regardless of the consequences. If the people you love don't stick around, they didn't love you properly to begin with, and in that case, I promise - you are better off without them.
Life is not always fair and it often times hard. Collect cheerleaders.