Worth Fighting For...

When I was a kid, all the way through High School and even College, I couldn't have cared less what people thought of me.  I was so overly confident in who I was and who I wanted to be, bullies lost solely on the fact that they couldn't win - they could not make me feel small.  It was a trait parents hope for and dread all at the same time.

There are some long term benefits to a child who is entirely secure in his or her own skin....  These include the comfort of knowing that at the end of the day, your kid is going to be OK.  They're going to overcome the judgements and the cliques that happen in middle school, they'll survive just fine without conforming in High School, and in College they'll have the opportunity to meet "their people" - the ones that are going to love and support them for exactly who they are and even make them feel like they aren't alone.  All of those things are a great comfort to know when you're raising a kid.  In my opinion, the drawbacks aren't so awful, but can be pretty trying at times...  For my parents, these included black tie dinners where "Fine, wear what you want, but don't blame me if you feel out of place" led to my attendance in jeans and a t-shirt feeling entirely fabulous in my own skin, as well as my absolute unwillingness to filter anything because I said what I meant and never apologized for my feelings.  

A LOT of the people who know me, know that person.  That's probably why people are always so shocked when they learn the truth of my 'circumstance'.  But here's another truth:  It doesn't matter how sure you are in anything, there are people who will try to destroy you, and if someone tries consistently enough, it may just eventually work. 

For me, it didn't really take that long...  I was dead set on fixing my marriage, and after a while, I truly believed my husband when he kept telling me that I was the problem, so I tried to mold into what he wanted.  The problem here is that in an abusive relationship, it doesn't matter who you are or who you become...  You will never be the right person.  Fast forward four years, and here I am. 

A lot of things led to where I am today, and to his ability to get in my head, and once he was in, it took several things and a few acts of God to get him out (read about those here).  But of course, there are lessons in everything, and I've learned a lot, but one of my favorite things is this: 

Even in our worst moments - the ones where you look in the mirror and you don't recognize the person looking back at you, when you are so confused and so lost and you aren't sure which way is up or which way to run - even in those moments, deep down inside, your original self still exists.  
  
FIGHT FOR THAT PERSON. 

There were times that I believed I was so lost inside myself that I wouldn't ever go back, but I'm learning a magical thing about being forced to change: Forced change isn't permanent because it isn't an organic change.  When you change to survive your environment, once that environment changes, once you begin to feel safe again, you have the opportunity to come out of hiding, and transform back into the person you actually are.  I am truly enjoying that transformation. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again.  I am happy again.  I can laugh and joke without getting in trouble, and every day that I wake up in my new, safe environment, is a day that I grow closer and closer to my true self.  A self that I actually really like. 

So here is a little bit more of my insight into this whole concept of liking yourself...

If, when you look in the mirror, you do not recognize (or do not like) the person staring back at you...  Change.  Become the person you know - your true self - because people are happiest when they are able to be themselves....  And making yourself happy IS NOT a selfish thing.  In fact, I have come to realize that it is the absolute best thing I could possibly be for my family, friends, and most importantly, my beautiful little girl.